Growing up in a semi-traditional way parts of my life always confused me. I was raised to be a strong heterosexual cisgendered male, and well that did not work out like my father intended. My mother was and is a supportive mother, always accepted me for what I was even before I knew what I was. I could always tell that from a young age my father favored my brothers and that is not a bad thing at all I hold no malice by telling all this.  I was something new; something he never had come across a gay man. And if he did he was raised in a strict off the boat Italian family so there weren’t many options to having gay friends or family members for that matter. I do not believe on my father’s side of the family there are any openly gay men or women. And for many fathers when they realize they have a gay son it is a lot for them to handle.  Let alone a son that shares the same first and last name as his.  Like I said there is no bad blood between my father and I, we just don’t have a close relationship like my brothers and him have.  He isn’t to blame nor am I. I did shut myself off from him because I thought that would have been easier.  My father has come a long way from when I was younger, he was close minded and in some ways he still is but it is a generational gap.  He voted for Obama in his second election which is something very surprising for me when I heard this and he has opened up his mind to many other things as well, he tells my mother that he is struggling accepting the fact that I am a gay man, but he still loves me unconditionally and that is all I really need from him. Life is a growing game and we all have a lot of growing to do.  Growing up the oldest of 3 brothers was also quite different. I was never into sports nor was I good at them. My younger brothers particularly the middle brother was great at sports. I tried my hand at basketball once and I was never any good. Nick he could pick up any sport and be great at it, it is just something he was always good at. Give me a paint brush and we are in business that was what I did. I painted, drew, you name it. My brain always worked in a unique way. I was always into very unique things growing up. I remember buying books on witchcraft and palm reading (Which is now a great party trick and a good ice breaker), I always was more into artwork and learning then I was into sports and working out. I don’t think that has anything to do with being gay, I think it just has a lot to do with me being lazy.  Now for my mother’s side, they are also old fashioned but not my mother, she prides herself on being a supporter of LGBTQ, Women’s rights, etc. She is always supportive of me and who I leave even if I have yet to tell her about (They all already know, so why disclose any further).  My moms parents are also pretty old fashioned. They may not agree with gay marriage but I know they love me and my other gay relatives unconditionally. It is a change for them too coming from a generation where being gay was a mental illness and was never talked about to living in a world where being gay is something people are proud of and it is more accepted.  We are still fighting for basic fundamental human rights, like love. I believe politics should stay out of the bedroom and while we are here I believe politicians should also stay out of the bedroom and not reproduce, well the stupid ones at least (Yes, Chris Christie and Rick Santorum I am looking at you oh and there are too many more to write so ill just pick on you both for now).  We have bigger fish to fry then worrying about preventing the happiness of others. But back on track to my family life: My grandparent’s will support me in whatever I decide to do, and I know they will because they have always supported everyone in our family and who I love should not and will not be a barrier for them.  Like I said earlier Life is a growing game and we are all playing it. I have not always been this open about who I am because I was still growing and learning how to live in a skin that at the time felt foreign to me. I didn’t have time to figure out who I was in high school because before I could decide I was bullied into believing I was a faggot. I was told this from 7th to 12th grade. Things got so bad that I had to threaten the aggressors that I would take legal action.  Most people who know me knew I was a fighter. I never let anyone bring me down because why should I? I was stronger than them and I knew it. I am more a man than those people who tried to bring me down.  I also did not come out in high school because why the fuck should I? No one said I had too, I was still figuring out this skin I was born into.  I never was subtle about being a supporter of LGBTQ rights, posting articles on Facebook, etc. I always had openly gay friends and no one ever questioned it and there is nothing abnormal about having gay friends when you are straight. My best friends are all straight back home and they love me no less and no more than they love any of their other friends.  It was not easy coming out to my straight friends. I came out to my best friend Shaun about 2 years ago before I left for college and I cried telling him thinking the worst, his response was, “So? Oh do you like my new watch I just got?” And that was that. I then came out to Andy and John about 6 months ago at a bar when we were all drunk visiting John at Marist. Their reactions were also as just very normal. Both of them just validated that they wanted me to be happy and we moved on. I now can openly discuss who I am seeing (if I am seeing anyone).  I remember we were going to a frat party and I didn’t have 5$ to get into the party and one of the frat guys was like, “Here man I got you covered.” *Super macho voice* They all turned to me when I got in and just laughed and called me a slut and we just laughed and moved on.  I have never felt more normal in my life. I am free to be who I am now. I now live in one of the best cities in the world, Chicago. Where I am more open than I have ever been.  So I guess this is my officially unofficial way of coming out to those who didn’t already know? I hope that you enjoyed this and I hope someone somewhere reads this and finds some sort of acceptance for themselves and they know they are not alone.

-S

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I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life. I know this because I whole heartedly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Who I am is well none of your concern but I am who I am at this point in my life because of my past experiences. Who I am is a strong, independent man. One who fights for what he believes in. I am proud of all that I have accomplished in my life. I am stronger than most people give me credit for. I am wiser than I let on. I am meant to be something. Just wait and see.

-S

I am deeply saddened that Chris Christie is still opposing same sex marriage, as if gay couples are hindering his ability to run the state of New Jersey “well”. It is my belief that he should shut the fuck up and not speak about marriage, because that does not have any place in government. He should however be worried about the fact that people are still without homes from Hurricane Sandy. So lets prioritize Christie and focus on what really matters and let everyone love who they want and marry who they wish.

There is not such thing as gay marriage; only marriage and love. Love who you want, marry who you want. 

Love is Love. 

Inspiration comes to me when I least expect it. I don’t mind it at all. I am at a bar this past Monday called Beauty Bar, it used to be a beauty salon; turned club. It is really cool. Anyway, there was a benefit there to raise money for the AIDS Run and Walk of Chicago. Called Salonathon: it was a mixture of poetry, singing, dancing, and a drag show. One of the performances particularly stood out to me. A co-worker of mine who transitioned to a woman sang a song (Beautifully I might add) about having the heart of a woman and how strong women are. It brought me to tears because of many reasons. But the main one is that she transitioned from a MtF (Male to Female) and is now a who she is meant to be her body matches her mind/soul and my God she is stunningly beautiful. And for her to sing about having a woman’s heart was just inspiring. It was a night full of exciting open minded people. I find that the most interesting, kind hearted, loving, generous people are the ones you never take the time to get to know. So to me a favor and next time you meet someone, get to know them, the real them.

 

-S

I believe in sex positivity. I believe people should have the right to sleep with whoever they want, with as many different people as they choose. I don’t believe in sluts, whores, man-whores, etc. These terms make it seem like you are better than the person you are referring to, when in reality you are no better or worse than them. I think sex should be celebrated, we are liberated, free people. I think as human beings we should be able to fully express ourselves in every aspect of our lives. Sadly, sex is such a taboo in society that talking about it is shamed, which leads people to make unwise decisions in your sexual lives. Sexual health is an overall part of you health and wellbeing so why not talk about it with your doctors, do not feel ashamed of the sex you are or are not having. You are the owner of your body and you have the right to say “Yes”, “No”, and “Let me think about it”. No one on this earth has the power to tell you what you can and cannot do in the bedroom (or wherever you like to get it on).  You are in charge of you, and only you. Your body is usable and it is beautiful. The reason I have such strong feelings is because I recently just started a new job in the HIV and AIDS field where I will begin testing those who wish to be tested for HIV and I will also be a counselor and doing some sexual education classes. I believe that sex should be openly discussed, because that is how you make HIV preventable, through correctly teaching people on the facts of HIV and AIDS and how to better protect yourselves. *Fact* You CANNOT get HIV through SALIVA. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Part of my job is to hand out condoms, when the older generation sees what I am doing I get a sassy response or a dirty look as if they have never had sex before. Open discussion leads to great conversations. I am a very open person so those who ask me questions about my sexual health I will openly answer as long as you ask in a polite manor at the proper time. I believe in doing this because people should be allowed to express themselves in anyway they wish. Again, you are in charge of your body. PROTECT THE SKIN YOU ARE IN. Love few, love many, or love all. I am not one to judge, nor should you be either.

I love being drunk. I don’t just like it because I am not supposed to do it. I like it because I like the lack of control I have on my body, and my brain. I believe that in the haze of your drunken hours you are who you really are nothing holding you back from being who you are meant to be.  I like that everyone ends up friends even if you all hate each other in the sober hours. And that is okay, we are society in a melting pot. We aren’t all meant to like each other (as much as I would like that it isn’t possible). I am proud of who I am when I am sober, but you better believe I am prouder of who I am when I am drunk because my filter leaves me for a few hours.  Oddly enough, I figure a lot of shit out that I battle day to day with while intoxicated and dancing at a house party. I realize what I want, who I want, and what I don’t want. I realized a lot last night. I realized I am terrified of leaving and moving to Chicago. It would be my luck that I meet someone and have to move a month later. I believe in fate, so whats meant to happen will happen. I realized that I have the most supportive, caring, and wonderful friends that I could have asked for. And I know that my moving won’t change the friendships I have made out here and I know that I will make some amazing friends out in Chitown, the unknown is always terrifying though. Being drunk helps me, that makes me sound like an alcoholic but it allows me to take down my walls that I so carefully build up and breathe for a little bit. I think as humans we are supposed to loosen up a bit and create moments that shouldn’t end. That is what I did. I am undone.

 

-S

Thought Catalog

I ask that you please watch this from beginning to end. It is extremely powerful. Keep in mind, as they tell you at the end: all of the events that you are about to watch are true stories. [tc-mark]

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.

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We live in a world obsessed with our phones and ourselves. Yes I am a part of a generation that cares more about their instagram followers than their health. I personally do love having my iPhone on me at almost all times, but I like it because it tends to help me out of awkward situations, I can sit on my phone and veg out when I do not need people talking to me about how vapid their existence actually is.

I currently have 1,578 friends on Facebook. Do you think I talk to them all? Not a chance in hell, actually for the most part I probably dislike them so what I have decided to for the past year or so is every day I am on and I see if it someone’s birthday, I delete them if I don’t speak to them or do not know them or do not like them. I spent four years in high school trying to appease everyone and talk to everyone. Now what I do is try to avoid people at all costs. It isn’t so much that I dislike people, it is just that I dislike everything my generation stands for. We are so vapid and self centered. How is anyone in this generation supposed to run a country one day when we can’t even write out a check properly?  It frightens me to know that not everyone is like me (and I don’t mean to be so self absorbed as to think my shit don’t stink, I am aware my shit stinks probably worse than yours but I volunteer my time and travel and try to make friends throughout the world because I know that there are good people around you just have to find them when they aren’t instagraming their meal for the night).  Now if I delete you on a social media site; like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. do not come out and ask me why I did it, because 1. Why the hell do you even know someone has unfollowed you? Are you that obsessed with yourself that you think everyone loves what you have to post. No one truly gives a shit because everyone is too worried about what they are about to post that when they like your stuff they only do it in hopes of you liking their shit, so that they can get more likes and more followers. No one really gives a rats ass about your meal choice or where you are at night? Because let us be honest for once why should they? 

That is my angry rant about my generation.

However, I have seen some amazing acts of love, kindness, respect, and courage from this generation of 20somethings so don’t think we are all terrible vapid people. Some of us still care.

-S

I want to clarify a few things before I start writing: I have never done an illegal drug in my life or a legal drug in my life unless it has been prescribed to me, so when I had my wisdom teeth out the Vicodin the prescribed to me hits me hard man. Thus begins the Vicodin rambling now:

Vicodin has an interesting affect on me. It takes the pain away from me but it also has seemed to make me extremely horny and extremely honest. You know what they say, “write drunk, edit sober” I guess in this case write high. I have decided to only take the pill to help me sleep at night that seems to be when the pain is the worst and I can’t get to bed. I have noticed that I would not normally text people in a normal state to tell them to come over and have sex, but on Vicodin it seems to be like that is a new fun thing I like to do is text people I want to/have slept with already to come over and sleep with me.  I have realized in the haze of my “drunk” mind that I do not care about what people think of my sexual escapades; mainly because we as humans should be able to be sexually free and sexually open.  If as Americans we lived more sexually open and less violently the USA would be a less frightening place to live in. We learn through what we see, we grow up watching movies infused with violence, war, pain, suffering.  Yet, we throw real sex on the telly and one million moms or some nondescript (primarily white) organization is all up in arms because “of the children” meanwhile those same children that they are trying to protect are learning how to inject heroin by the age of 13-14.  If we teach children by what we show them. I would rather the youth of America be sexually open (and safe of course) than shooting up a movie theatre or a classroom full of innocent teenagers. Than we just full the idea for more sociopaths growing up seeing all this crime on the news and they are now thinking that they will be famous for the murders they commit. So tell me again why we are so ashamed of our own anatomy? It is the lack of control of gun laws that we should be more concerned about and less about seeing some woman on the big screen with her tits in the air. We then call a man a hero when he sleeps around and a woman is a slut. There is no difference everyone should be free to sleep with whomever and however many people they like as long as they are healthy and safe while doing so.  And I am not just saying this because I am high and horny on painkillers. It is the truth and people should just be able to experience the lust of others without feeling ashamed to tell people after it happens if that is what they choose to do.  I believe in being a slut because you should not have to label someone by who they sleep with.

That is probably all for now.

-S

Haven’t blogged in a while. The inspirational has run dry for me and I don’t quite know how to get it back. My life has changed in so many ways. These last 4 weeks shaped me in a way I never thought I would be molded to. From listening to people in my bed room have sex at 3 am, neither of which were my roommates.  Too having so many tears that I lost count because I had to say goodbye to a life I struggled so hard to give up on many times, but once it ended I wanted it back. I wanted the good, the bad, the ugly. I want it all the pain I went through the depression I faced, the love I made.  The fights I had. I wanted it all back (and I still do) I miss my team more than words describe I still have struggled with the new normal I had faced being back home. Than I leave to go to Mexico with some old friends and I was faced with a new challenge. Enjoying relaxation. It had been so long since I perfected the art of doing nothing. I spent a year working odd hours, doing odd jobs with ever so unique people. And here I am in the sun of Mexico getting drunk beyond repair just because I could and it was the strangest feeling ever. Being with people I hadn’t seen in years and making so many new friends with so many new unique stories.  Bonds I formed from strange scenarios that the average person does not get involved in.  Finally, signing my lease to my first apartment in Chicago. (Sidebar: The windy city which is only windy because of it’s politics not because of the wind).  I feel like an adult I feel weird that I will be in a city I know nothing about with people I have never met, doing work I have only ever dreamed of. To feeling like a slut when there is absolutely nothing to feel slutty about because sexual freedom isn’t freedom is you cannot freely express yourself to those you are closest too. I believe in sex, love, and lust.  I believe that you can have sexual partners and you can sexually explore others and yourself without being ashamed. But that is just ramblings. 

I come home from Mexico and I find out that my best friend who I have known for years has written a book. Something I have been yearning to do for years and years now and I just can’t get the words out to do it. I am so proud of her but I am upset I had no idea about her book writing because I feel like a shitty friend because I had no idea about any of this. But maybe I should be less wrapped up in my life and worried about my friends more.

I have no passion left inside of me right now. I want to write and love and understand and feel and I can’t do that if I feel numb.

We are all just very lost souls hopelessly floating around trying to find another soul in this life to float with so we don’t feel so hopeless. 

-S