Haven’t blogged in a while. The inspirational has run dry for me and I don’t quite know how to get it back. My life has changed in so many ways. These last 4 weeks shaped me in a way I never thought I would be molded to. From listening to people in my bed room have sex at 3 am, neither of which were my roommates.  Too having so many tears that I lost count because I had to say goodbye to a life I struggled so hard to give up on many times, but once it ended I wanted it back. I wanted the good, the bad, the ugly. I want it all the pain I went through the depression I faced, the love I made.  The fights I had. I wanted it all back (and I still do) I miss my team more than words describe I still have struggled with the new normal I had faced being back home. Than I leave to go to Mexico with some old friends and I was faced with a new challenge. Enjoying relaxation. It had been so long since I perfected the art of doing nothing. I spent a year working odd hours, doing odd jobs with ever so unique people. And here I am in the sun of Mexico getting drunk beyond repair just because I could and it was the strangest feeling ever. Being with people I hadn’t seen in years and making so many new friends with so many new unique stories.  Bonds I formed from strange scenarios that the average person does not get involved in.  Finally, signing my lease to my first apartment in Chicago. (Sidebar: The windy city which is only windy because of it’s politics not because of the wind).  I feel like an adult I feel weird that I will be in a city I know nothing about with people I have never met, doing work I have only ever dreamed of. To feeling like a slut when there is absolutely nothing to feel slutty about because sexual freedom isn’t freedom is you cannot freely express yourself to those you are closest too. I believe in sex, love, and lust.  I believe that you can have sexual partners and you can sexually explore others and yourself without being ashamed. But that is just ramblings. 

I come home from Mexico and I find out that my best friend who I have known for years has written a book. Something I have been yearning to do for years and years now and I just can’t get the words out to do it. I am so proud of her but I am upset I had no idea about her book writing because I feel like a shitty friend because I had no idea about any of this. But maybe I should be less wrapped up in my life and worried about my friends more.

I have no passion left inside of me right now. I want to write and love and understand and feel and I can’t do that if I feel numb.

We are all just very lost souls hopelessly floating around trying to find another soul in this life to float with so we don’t feel so hopeless. 

-S

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